Literature I: Savage Garden Fanfiction
The Vampire Legume
by Jess
The day began innocently enough. I woke up, ate breakfast, got dressed, fooled around with my guitars for awhile, then decided to make a quick run to the grocery. Cruising through the aisles, I grabbed your typical items: chips, milk, butter, and lots of chocolate. Then I headed for the produce section. I fumbled with the stupid roll of plastic bags and succeeded in getting about 4 more than I'd wanted in the first place. I snatched some carrots, celery, cucumber, then went and looked at the fruit. I absentmindedly set my hand down on the peaches and instantly jerked it away. Something sharp had pricked my hand.
"Ow!" I yelped as I examined the wound. Two small pinholes were bleeding profusely. I dug in my pocket and grabbed a tissue to wipe it off. Then I examined the pile of fruit, looking for a bit of metal or something. Nothing was there.
All of a sudden, I heard a strange voice murmur my name:
"Daaaaaaaaaniiiiiiellll..."
I whirled around, looking for a fan or maybe just a psychotic. No one. Strangely enough, the voice seemed to have come from the pile of fruit. I bent down to look. A peach jumped out of the pile and into my hand. It grinned at me, revealing two shiny, pointed fangs in its pulpy mouth.
"G'day, mate," it said. Though it had no eyes, the fruit seemed to be staring at me.
"YAAAAAAAHHH!" I screamed as I flung the fruit back into the pile. What the hell is WRONG with me? I'm imagining that fruit is talking!
Then the peach righted itself. I gaped at it.
"Ouch," it said. "But I guess I deserved that. After all, you seem frightened. No need to be afraid, my friend..."
I grabbed the fruit and flung it into one of the sacks. "I'm not crazy, too much TV, this peach is NOT talking to me..." I mumbled as I went down the aisle and through the checkout.
Later, I put the groceries away and put a bandage on my palm. Then I got the peach out and examined it. It began to speak again:
"Like I was saying, before you rudely interrupted me, no need to be afraid. I am Legume, a vegepire."
I sighed. This peach simply refused to shut up. Maybe I was going nuts. I sat down at the table and plopped the peach in front of me. "Okay," I said. "Assuming I'm not nuts and you really are talking to me, what do you mean by 'vegepire'?"
"I mean vegepire. I am a vampire vegetable, or fruit, as the case may be."
"Then why is your name Legume? That's what you call peas and beans."
"It sounded good, okay?" Legume snapped back. "Now, I have a lot to tell you. Since I bit you, you will now become a vegepire, too. The first 24 hours will be rough. You will crave produce juices. Constantly. You'll soon learn to quell your cravings with vitamin pills and such."
"Hang on," I said. "I'm a human, not a vegetable! So how can I be a vegepire?"
Again, Legume sighed. "That's your problem, not mine. Next time, don't go sticking your hand where it doesn't belong."
"Do you always talk to your produce?" a voice said from the doorway. I spun around. It was my bandmate, Darren Hayes, leaning against the doorway, eying me warily. The peach clamped its mouth shut, concealing its fangs.
I stood up hastily and grabbed Legume and stuffed him in the fridge. He let out a cry, but I muffled it with my hand. "Uh, no. I was, uh, singing..."
"Singing what? It didn't sound like anything I've ever heard."
"Uh, just a weird song. Now, why are you here?"
Darren sighed and looked at me. "Don't you ever listen to anything I say? We have a plane to catch. For our concert tomorrow? Aren't you packed?"
"Oh yeah," I said. "Almost. I'll be right out."
"By the way, why did you go shopping? You won't be here to eat any of that."
"Um, I don't know. Habit, I guess." Actually, Daz was right. Why had I gone to the grocery store? I shrugged and went to get my bags. On my way out, I snatched Legume and several chocolate bars.
"Better take some veggies," Legume hissed at me. I ignored him.
Four hours later, we were in Perth for our concert. I said hi to the band and went up to my hotel room. There was a bowl of fruit on the table by the window. I put Legume in it and shut the door.
"Okay," I said. "Now you can talk while I watch TV. What's up with this anyway? The whole vegepire thing." I sat on one of the beds and flipped through channels. Darren was supposed to take the other bed, but he was in the gift shop, looking for the latest Anne Rice book.
"Alright," Legume said. "Hope you don't mind. I drained a few celery stalks in your fridge."
"I don't care," I said indifferently. "Go on."
"You will soon crave juice. It will be hard to fight. And you will grow fangs..."
"Ya-de-ya-de-ya...yeah, yeah. I'll buy a cape and go around and sleep in a coffin and come out at night and take on a freaky accent and go 'I vant to bite your neck,'" I said, waving my hand.
Legume seemed to be looking at me oddly.
"Can you please stop that?" I said. "You look weird when you stare at me with your nonexistent eyes."
He ignored me and said, "What gave you all those ideas? You don't crave blood, you crave juice. You're a vegepire!"
Then, I suddenly felt my teeth. They were growing. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Two of my teeth were growing all pointy. They stopped and I examined them. Luckily, they didn't seem to be really noticeable. Just a little pointier than the rest. Lots of people have teeth like that. Then I got a hankering for juice. Oh, God, I thought. It's all happening, just like Legume said!
I ran to the table and grabbed the first fruit I saw-an orange. Instead of peeling it, I sank my fangs into it and sucked.
Then I heard a keycard in the lock. The knob turned and Darren walked in. He looked up at me and stopped short. "Daniel?"
"Yeth?" I mumbled around the fruit.
"What on earth are you doing?"
Well, after that rather sticky situation (which I weaseled my way out of by saying I was practicing to play harmonica, which got some strange looks, but nothing TOO out-of-the-ordinary. The rest of the evening, I managed to quell my hunger for juice with V8 and a salad at dinner. Then I realised I wasn’t tired when night came. As soon as Daz drifted off, I grabbed my peachy new friend of sorts and went into the hall for another chat.
"Legume, you’ve gotta do something! Why can’t I sleep?" My fruity friend gave me a look.
"Uh, you’re a vegepire. You’re a nocturnal being now. You know, creature of the night and all that. You can only go out in sunlight if you wear very strong sunglasses. Real dark ones. And never let others see your fangs in broad daylight. You could start an international incident!"
I considered this. "But that means I’ll have to take some naps in the daytime, right?"
"Correct."
"Um, okay. I have to go tell Darren now...."
"NOOOO!" Legume screamed. "You can’t tell him! He’s a mere mortal."
"But so am I. Hey, how come I never died?"
Legume sighed. "Because you’re a human; I’m just a fruit. I can’t very well kill something that’s way over my size, now can I?"
"I guess not. So I’m still gonna die in, like, uh, 60 years or whatever."
"Yeah. I think. But I don’t know for sure. Like I said, this hasn’t ever happened to a human before. You’re the first. But you still can’t tell what’s-his-face."
"Why not?" I whined. "Darren’s my best friend. We share a band! We have no secrets!"
Legume rolled what would’ve been his eyes if he weren’t a peach. "Daniel, think about it. Do you actually think that Darren will believe that you’ve been bitten by a vampire peach and turned into an orange-sucking monster with fangs?"
I sighed. "Well, maybe not. But I have to give it a try." I stood up and shoved my keycard in the door.
Legume mumbled something that sounded like: "Dumb humans! Don’t they have any common sense?!"
I tip-toed in and placed Legume back into the fruitbowl. Then I clicked on the lamp. Darren stirred, shifted, and groaned.
"Jonesy! Turn the light out! I was having a great dream about Janeane Garofalo and me stranded on a deserted island! And she was wearing this hot bikini....." Daz rolled over and squinted at me. "What’s wrong?"
"Daz, I have to tell you something!"
He groaned again. "Can’t it wait ‘till morning?"
"No," I said sharply. "It’s very important."
He sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Alright, then. What?"
I looked down and bit my lip. How could I tell him? I finally decided that straightforwardness would have to work. "Well, when I was at the grocery store....uh..."
"Well???"
I sighed. Then I hurriedly told the story. "A peach named Legume bit my hand and I took him home and he’s my coach and I’m a vegepire now, which is like a vampire, only I drink the juice from vegetables and fruits, and when I was sucking that orange earlier, I was drinking juice with my fangs, not practicing harmonica and I can go out in the day but I need sunglasses so can I borrow a pair of your really dark violet ones?"
I gasped for breath as Darren eyed me strangely for what must’ve been the 5th time that evening. Then he burst into peals of laughter. Really loud laughter. I dove on him and clapped a pillow over his mouth and hissed:
"Dammit, Daz! Shut up! I don’t want the entire hotel coming in here!" I slowly removed the pillow and myself and Darren sat up, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"Jonesy, that was pretty funny. Tell it again!"
I sighed. "But, Darren, don’t you believe me? It’s the truth!"
"Yeah, yeah, Jonesy, SURE it is! Now, why don’t you just lie down while I call the men in the little white coats to take you away!" Darren came over and gently tried to pin me down on the bed so I wouldn't escape; I guess he thought I had really lost it. And who could blame him? I could, that's who. I shook him off and did the only thing I could think of: got Legume.
"Here, Daz. Ask Legume. He’ll tell you that I’m not making this up."
Darren looked at the peach and began laughing, softer this time. "You want me to talk to a PEACH?!"
I glared at him as he held Legume in his hand. "Yes, that’s what I said. Now do it."
Darren grinned and said, "Hello, peach! How are you today? Oh, are you not feeling well? That’s a pity! Ha, ha, get it, Daniel? A PIT-y?" He began laughing again. Legume said nothing.
"Not funny," I replied sourly. Darren looked at the peach. "Jonesy, you’re really nutso. I hate to tell you, but Pulpy here isn’t talking. I think you were hallucinating..."
"No, I wasn’t!"
Darren raised Legume to his mouth. "However, I’m kinda hungry...." Just as he was about to bite into Legume, the peach jumped out of his hand and onto the table.
"Hey, what’re you tryin’ to pull here?" Legume snarled. "I am not to be eaten!" Darren stared at the fruit, mouth wide open in shock. Legume continued. "Yeah, I’m a vegepire, and so is your friend Dan here. Wanna make somethin’ of it?" Darren looked up at me and then stood up weakly. Then he passed out. THUNK. He hit the floor, out cold.
I hissed, "Thanks a bunch, Legume! You scared my best friend half to death!" Legume sniffed indifferently and hopped over to the fruitbowl to select a victim, I presume. I slapped Darren’s face, and then went and got the ice bucket, the contents of which had now melted. I dumped it on Daz’s face. He jumped up, coughing and sputtering.
"What the hell was that for??"
I set the bucket down. "You fainted. I revived you. Now....." I gestured to Legume, who was in the process of draining a banana, peel and all. The thing shrivelled up into a yellow pile of mush and Legume licked his fangs happily. Darren took a seat at the table and stared at him. I went to the bathroom and got Daz a towel. He took it from me and absentmindedly began rubbing at his hair, all the while staring at Legume, who was trying to get situated in the crowded fruitbowl. I moved some apples and a papaya so he could rest. He settled down, then turned to face Darren.
"What do you think you’re looking at?" Legume demanded of Darren.
Darren looked startled for a second, then tartly replied: "You."
"Okay, if you really wanna look at a peach all night, who am I to stop you?" Legume replied. All of a sudden, Leonie walked in.
Oh, boy, I thought.
"May I ask what’s going on? I was walking by and heard a ‘thump’ and talking and....Darren, what are you doing? Why are you all wet?"
Darren was in the process of trying to stuff Legume into the fruitbowl so his fangs wouldn’t show. Legume wasn’t cooperating.
"You beanbrain!" Legume yelled. "What the hell are you doing?! If you don’t stop, I’m gonna have to bite you!!"
"Just....shut....UP!" Darren gasped as he finally succeeded in pinning Legume beneath a pineapple.
Leonie looked really confused, and with good reason. "Darren? Who was just talking??"
Darren stood by the fruitbowl innocently. "Oh...that was....um.....Daniel practicing....um, what’s it called? Ventrilloquism. Yeah, that’s it..."
I gave him a withering look. He shrugged helplessly. Leo gave us funny looks, then said: "Um, right. I’m going to bed now..."
"’Night!" I said, a bit too cheerfully. Darren echoed me, and Leo looked at us once again, then left.
Darren ran over and shut and bolted the door behind her and I sighed and sank onto the bed. Legume had succeeded in pushing the pineapple off of himself and grinned mischeviously at me.
"What’s YOUR problem??" I said to the fruit.
"I found that really funny," Legume said.
"Just shut up," I mumbled as I sank onto the bed. I was really tired and figured I might as well sleep at night. I drifted off a few minutes later.
The next morning, I woke up before Darren did and after Legume had gone to sleep. I pulled on some clean clothes and sucked a papaya dry and then crept out of the room and down to the lobby. The sun hadn’t risen yet and I decided to go for a walk. It was pleasantly cool outside and I put the vegepire business in the back of my mind for the time being so I could enjoy myself for once.
Meanwhile, in the hotel room...
"Legume!!! LEGUME!!! Wake up!! Daniel’s gone!!" Darren shrieked, shaking the fruitbowl.
Legume stirred and faced Darren. "I’m not going to get out of this bowl until you shut the curtains!! It’s nearly sunrise!" Darren hurriedly did so and Legume said: "So what’s the problem?? I’m tired!!"
"I didn’t give Daniel the sunglasses! He’s gonna be FRIED!!!!"
Legume considered this. "Oh, well, yes, that would be a problem. But no big deal. Not like the world needs him or anything. He wasn’t that great of a vegepire anyway." Legume turned over and commenced to go back to sleep.
Darren stared at him, gaping. "You....you don’t CARE if Daniel turns to DUST?? He can’t turn to dust!!! He’s my best friend!!!! And we have a band!!!!" Darren grabbed the peach and aimed at the wall.
Legume shrieked, "NOOOOO!!!" and then...Ben walked in.
"What the hell is YOUR problem, Daz???" Ben said. "Why’re you throwing a peach at the wall? And where’s Dan?"
"How’d you get in??" Darren said. He hastily set Legume down. Legume bit his finger. "YEEOOOOWWWW!!!!!" Darren screamed. Ben’s eyes widened and he stared at Darren incredulously as Darren ran and washed the cut off, relieved that Legume had only grazed a fang against his skin and not managed to bite him and make him a vegepire too.
"WHAT’S GOING ON??" Ben hollered from the room.
Darren came out of the bathroom and ushered him out. "Nothing, nothing," he said. "Just....nothing. Go away now. I’ll find Daniel. Everything’s just fine..." Darren shut the door, turned the lock, slid the bolt in, and shoved a chair under the knob. Now no one could get in. But before he could go and shake Daniel’s location from Legume, there was a knock on the door. And then a louder knock. And then a rapping and then all-out pounding. It sounded like 10 people were at the door. And they were all screaming to get in. Darren sighed and shoved the chair out of the way and unlocked the door. The entire band and Leonie were all standing there.
"Now what??" he said.
"We want to know what your problem is! And where Daniel is!" Lee said.
"And why you were talking to a fruit!" Karl put in.
"And what’s wrong with Daniel!" Elisa said.
"And can I put all this in the next update??" Leonie asked.
Darren sighed again and opened the door so they could come in. "Alright, fine, I’ll tell you. It’s hard to believe, though." Everyone sat down and Darren said, "Okay, how shall I say this? Um....Daniel’s become..." Darren paused.
"A what??" Angi prodded. "A chocoholic?"
"An insomniac?"
"A novelist?"
"A paranoid psychopath?"
"What??" everyone yelled.
Darren glanced at Legume and said: "A vegepire." Everyone stared at him, then burst out laughing. "I kinda figured that would be your reaction," Darren mumbled.
"Oh, dear, you’ve read WAY too much Anne Rice!!" Leonie snickered. "What are you doing? I’m not hungry..." Darren had fetched Legume and held him out to her.
Legume smiled, showing his cute little fangs in his pulpy mouth and said: "Yo."
"YAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" the group screamed.
I opened the door to the hotel room. The whole band was there, staring at something in Darren’s hand. I stepped over and looked. Everyone was staring, wild-eyed, at Legume. "Damn it, Darren, you went and ruined the surprise," I said, smiling.
"Sorry," he said. "But they just HAD to know, for some silly reason..."
Leonie turned to me and said: "So you really ARE a....vegepire?"
Elisa snickered, then covered her mouth.
"Yup," I said. "What of it?"
"Um, yeah..." Lee said. "I think I’ll go...um..." He flicked his hands toward the door. Karl and Ben followed him out. Poor blokes. The vegepire stuff was just too much for them.
"Uh, so...what exactly is a vegepire?" Angi said, confused.
Legume spoke up. "A vegepire is the vegetable version of a vampire. I was the one who made Daniel a vegepire...but not on purpose, mind you..."
"So he drinks, like, juices and stuff?"
"Correct."
"Ooookaaaaayyy...." Angi said slowly, pointing at the door. "I think I’ll just, uh, go with them." Gosh, I think I was scaring everyone off.
"Daniel," Darren said. "How’d you survive?? You forgot your sunglasses!"
I smiled and pulled a pair out of my pocket. "I got some of my own."
Well, it wasn’t easy, but the band finally accepted my vegepirism. I live a fairly normal life and keep it a secret from the fans. Legume stayed with me. I got him a small cooler to live in and I make sure he has plenty of victims. But there are some problems between Darren and Legume that have never been settled....
"Legume?"
"Yes?"
"Where’s my salad?"
"Um...."
"Give it here, Pulpy."
"Darren, I don’t think you want it now..."
"Now, Legume... What did you do?! It’s all shrivelled up!!! You drained half my dinner!!"
"Sorry!!"
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This story is NOT true!! It’s just an example of my warped and crazy mind!! Don’t believe it and please don’t file a lawsuit against me... I love Savage Garden... otherwise, I wouldn’t have written this fanfic!!! This is for entertainment purposes only, as are my other stories. I just felt that this one needed a disclaimer...
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