--->Chic-a Cherry University

Literature I: Savage Garden Fanfiction

Interview With the Vegepire
by Jess

The peach hopped from its fruitbowl coffin and boinged over to the bowl-shaped chair in the dimly-lit room. A man with blonde hair, green eyes, a smile to die for, and a perplexed look on his face sat at the table while his friend, a slightly shorter blonde with sparkling blue eyes read an Anne Rice novel and hummed a Madonna song on the couch nearby.
"Alright, Daniel, so you want to do an interview with me, eh?" the peach said.
"Yeah, that’s the idea, Legume," the blonde at the table said in his Australian accent.
The man on the couch hummed louder and glanced over the top of his book at the peach. Daniel glared. "Darren!!! Shh!" He pressed a button on a small tape recorder and the reels began to spin. The peach cleared its throat and began to speak:
"Well, several years ago, I was just a ripe peach on a tree in Georgia. I remember falling and hitting the ground. Back then, my name was simply ‘peach,’ just like all the other peaches. We had no distinguishing features, of course, being peaches, and we were gathered up and packed into wooden crates to be shipped to produce stores around the globe.
"But while I was bumped along in this crate on a flatbed truck, I became curious about the world around me. Now, you see, not many peaches are capable of abstract thought, but I was an exception to this rule. I think it was the minerals in the rainwater or something. I don’t know. Anyway, I managed to squeeze out of the crate, after pushing myself past the stupider, inferior peaches who don’t know a thing, and I jumped off the truck into the grass. Now I was free to explore, free to roam, free to live my life out long and prosperous, like a peach should, instead of being shipped to a store where I would be purchased and devoured by some grimy-fingered little kid with zwieback crumbs dribbling from every orifice."
Here Legume paused, and there was a gasp from the couch...then a snicker, then Darren just began laughing out loud. Daniel hit the ‘stop’ button on the tape recorder, and whirled around to glare at his friend.
"Darren!!!"
Darren gasped and wiped the tears streaming down his face. "I’m...sorry...Daniel...but...that part...about..." and he cracked up again. Daniel sighed heavily and rolled his eyes, and Legume’s fuzzy peach skin wrinkled up as his mouth turned into a snarl.
"You dare to laugh at my history?!"
That just made Darren laugh harder.
"I command you to stop or I will make you a vegepire too!"
At that, Darren shut up. He covered his mouth, but kept snickering. Daniel hit the ‘record’ button, and Legume continued on.
"So I roamed the cities, making myself at home in various refridgerators. But one day, I chose the wrong fridge..."
Another gasp from the corner, and Darren muffled his laughter in a pillow. Legume glared and then went on.
"It was a dark and stormy night, and I bopped into the fridge and settled down amongst the other produce..."
More muffled laughter from the corner.
Daniel sighed, Legume glared, and continued on.
"It seemed rather peaceful, but as I was drifting off, I felt something moving past me. Then two sharp objects were thrust into my fuzzy flesh, and I blacked out.
"When I awoke, a tomato was poised in front of me. But I could see immediately that this was no ordinary tomato. It had FANGS!! I screamed, "VEGEPIRE!!" but only a hoarse whisper came out. I realised that my skin was wrinkled and I was withered and drained of all my juices. But my will to live fueled me, and I lunged at the tomato, clamped my mouth down, and slurped up all the juice in him..."
Darren was beating the couch cushions and positively shrieking with laughter. Daniel sighed again and rested his head on his hands. It was pretty hard to believe, that was true. But Legume was so darn persistent that he record his memoirs or something...
"Go on, Legume."
The peach cleared its throat and continued. "I realised too that simply draining the tomato vegepire would not render him defenseless, and I remembered something about stakes being used to destroy vampires...I figured it would work, so I rummaged in the meat drawer of the fridge, pulled out a raw rib eye, and proceeded to..."
Now Daniel had joined Darren in the raucous laughter. Darren was gasping convulsively and his eyes were wide as he laughed. Daniel tried to keep a straight face, but the mental image of a peach pounding a piece of bloody meat over a tomato with fangs was just too funny... Finally, the guys calmed down and Legume continued.
"I proceeded to pummel the fanged tomato with the meat, but soon found out that I had the wrong type of stake..."
Snickers from the corner. Daniel smirked at the thought.
Legume furrowed his brow, and went on. "So, I jumped out of the fridge, and hunted around the kitchen for the perfect object. I found a box of wooden sticks, I believe you mortals call them ‘toothpicks’ and took a few into the fridge and impaled the immortal one on them..."
*thud* Darren had fallen off the couch and was rolling on the floor, crying and laughing simultaneously. He gasped and said,
"You made an hors d’ovre! Oh, my God, you made an hors d’ovre out of the tomato!!!"
Then he continued laughing. Legume was perplexed. Daniel was covering his face and shaking his head. His shoulders shook with silent laughter.
"What’s that? An hors d’ovre?"
But neither of the guys could tell him. They were laughing too much. Finally Daniel said, "Party food."
Legume looked quizzical, and then shrugged. "Okay..."
Daniel waved his hand expectantly. "Well? Go on...we’re finished..." He glanced at Darren, who had clambored back onto the couch and had his book in front of his face.
Legume eyed Darren warily, then continued on. "The tomato lay there...in a pool of juice. I realised that escape was necessary, so I hastily covered the tomato with a piece of SaranWrap..."
More laughter from the couch.
"...and got the heck out of there. I bopped out of the fridge and through an open window to freedom, but I heard the sounds of the immortal one rising behind me. I then remembered that he was not yet dead and that I was in great danger. I bopped along as fast as I could, and then bopped a bit too high, but stayed suspended in air. I could fly! Well, of course this made sense...I was immortal. So I took to the air and..."
Darren was laughing so hard he was in tears. "Oh God! A flying peach! Oh my God...this is hilarious..." Daniel sighed. Legume glared angrily at Darren... then bopped off his chair and over to the couch where Darren was screaming about flying peaches. He went onto the back of the couch, steadied himself, then jumped and beaned Darren on the head.
"Ow!!!!! What was THAT for?!" Darren said, rubbing his head.
"To shut you up... what else?? Now will you PLEASE stop it or go away??!!"
Darren considered. "Um, neither. I’d rather go get Leonie...she needs to hear this! It’s too rich!"
Daniel raised an eyebrow. "Uh, Daz... Leo didn’t even take my being a vegepire all that well... what makes you think she’ll enjoy the peach chronicling his life?"
Legume was listening raptly to this exchange. "And just WHAT is wrong with my life??! What’s not interesting? Compelling? Mysterious?"
Darren snickered. "Well, for one, you’re a peach... you know, the bottom of the food chain? How interesting can a peach’s life get...... I must say, though, that yours is a winner......" He turned to Daniel. "Jonesy, you sure meet some weird... uh... creatures when I’m not around... from now on, you are never going grocery shopping alone again!"
Daniel sighed and said, "Can’t we just get on with the story?? Now? Please???"
Darren flopped dejectedly back onto the couch. "Oh, all RIGHT....gawwwwwd..."
Legume settled back down and commenced to describe the next earth-shattering scenario. "So I flew off as fast as possible into the midnight sky. I decided that I would fly to Australia, as it was warm all the time and, being a peach, I love warmth... I can never bask in the sunlight again though..." The peach trailed off with a sorrowful sigh, then jumped back into the narrative. "...anyway, so I found my way into a grocery store and spent many many many happy days there. I even had a girlfriend for awhile..."
Sputters of laughter from the blond behind the book.
The fanged fruit glowered in his direction, and Darren eventually calmed down again. "...she was a papaya and her name was Carrot..."
Daniel came out of his reverie; he had been thinking about going surfing because Legume was boring him. "Err... a papaya named Carrot?!"
"Yes!!" Legume sighed as a dreamy smile spread across his peachy face. "I wonder whatever happened to her...Anyway, I also met the lovely Queen of the Damned..."
Darren looked up from his book again. "I think Legume reads Anne Rice too much."
The fanged fruit glared at the blond singer. "I DON'T READ ANNE RICE!! This is the history of vegepires! Anne Rice actually adapted my story to fit her novels...she didn't think a juice-sucking peach would sell well," the peach snorted. "I'll show her!!"
Darren and Daniel exchanged worried looks. "Um okay, Legume...Is there anything else really important that I need for the article?"
The vegepire's face scrunched up in a terrible scowl directed at the guitarist. "EVERYTHING is important, Daniel."
Daniel swallowed. "Oh, right, sorry..."
"Not really," the peach continued. "That's about it."
Daniel sat back, looking slightly relieved that Legume was finally finished with his odd story. "Wellll okay then..." He looked over at the couch, where Darren was...fast asleep. "Darren?"
Darren jolted up, looking around. "Whoa, sorry!" He looked at his watch. "I think it's time we split, Jonesy...what say?"
"Sure." Daniel stood, stopping the tape recorder and removing his cassette. "Thanks, Legume!"
The peach bopped off the table and over to a fridge. "Anytime, Daniel. Now if you'll excuse me..." Legume trailed off as he withdrew a large rutabaga from the fridge and prepared to drain it. Darren cringed and grabbed Daniel's arm.
"Let's go. You know I hate it when he does that..."
Daniel shrugged and followed his friend out, the slow slurping and sucking of Legume feasting on his rutabaga echoing behind them in the empty room.

The End

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